Did anything surprise you this week? Something did me. I was chatting to a pre-school mum pregnant with her second child. Her first child is a girl. In the now routine exchange (“when are you due?”, “do you know what you are having”) etc. she told me that on finding out the gender of her unborn child (a boy) she had been so disappointed she had actually wept in front of the ultra-sonographer. Now that surprised me. Mainly because I imagined that most people would be pleased to have one of each and to harbour such a passionate desire for two girls seemed to me, well, both odd and greedy.
I have heard (though it could easily be an urban myth) that hospitals serving areas with large immigrant populations refuse to reveal gender for fear of increasing terminations of female babies. I think I am safe in saying that the vast majority of people, from all backgrounds, are not going to terminate pregnancies for this reason. Therefore, offering parents a pre-emptive glimpse of their baby’s gender presents itself as merely a harmless treat– handy for name decisions and room decorating purposes. But is it really so harmless?
On the positive side, knowing the gender of the child in advance personalises the baby and facilitates the bonding process pre birth. Many parents name their baby whilst they are in the womb - a delight for parents-to-be though it can make that birth announcement a little anti-climactic for the rest of us.
The downside of finding out the gender of the baby in advance is that it genders children far sooner than is necessary or perhaps desirable. Yes it’s true the Victorians were sexist but if you look at very old photos of children in that era they appear to have treated infants with wonderful equality – in dress at least (all in white frills). There is something rather grim about the rigid modern day segregation of the girls and boys clothes sections in baby shops.
When the ultra-sonographer makes that all important announcement of pink or blue, in a way the ownership of the gender passes from the child to the parent. Newborn babies don’t have much, but what they used to have, which they don’t have now, is the ability to surprise their parents with their gender at birth. In my experience this is the most common reason parents give for wanting to know the gender of their baby is to avoid any disappointment at the moment of birth – particularly for second and third babies. But suppressing your curiosity and developing the habit of allowing your child to surprise and sometimes disappoint you is probably a better preparation for parenthood than getting the room the right colour.
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